Guide to Dating
by Thai Tea Addict
Summary: Ryoma and Kachirou, desperate to win the hearts of their crushes, decide to buy a self-help guide to seduction. Pity the book didn't take into account sadists and bullies, but life has a funny way of working out. Thrill, AraiKachirou


**A/N**: Huh. Apparently I'm in one of my 'post-a-random-story' moods.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own_ Prince of Tennis_.

**Warnings**: Semi-crack, I guess? Also, BL (Boys Love) ahoy!

**Pairings**: (_main_) Thrill Pair and AraiKachirou (WTF is this _called_?) _Background_ Golden Pair and KatsuoTomoka.

* * *

><p><em>This was a stupid idea<em>, Katou Kachirou, current vice-captain of Seishun Gakuen's tennis club, thought; the idea only dawned on him when he realized he'd been staring at the same book for almost five minutes now. The bookstore itself wasn't that busy, only the occasional student or elderly couple passing along, hardly giving the aisle Kachirou currently inhabited a second-glance. This didn't make him feel any better, though.

"This was a stupid idea," Echizen Ryoma, current captain of Seigaku, deadpanned.

Kachirou cast his buchou a look bordering on waspish. "Yes, well, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Ryoma stared at the book in front of him, disgust evident. "Kachirou, it's _pink_."

Kachirou cringed. The book in question was, in fact, a rather horrid shade of pink. Gingerly pulling it from the shelf, he turned it to see the cover.

"Oh god," Ryoma muttered, "It's _sparkly_."

"It has good reviews," Kachirou hissed defensively, even as he felt his masculinity start to wither into nothing.

The two stared at each other uneasily. Kachirou felt as if the book weighed more than another body, and from the disdainful look in Ryoma's eyes, the other boy probably wouldn't even hold it.

"Well?" Ryoma snorted, "Go pay for it."

"What?" Kachirou snapped, "I'm not buying this alone!"

"I'll pay half!" Ryoma said, already digging out his wallet.

"I'm not going to the register and buying this as if it was only my idea!" Kachirou clarified.

Ryoma glared at him. "This _is _your idea, remember?'

"You agreed to it!"

The two boys glared at each other, unwilling to back down. While Ryoma had always been stubborn, years of participation in one of Japan's most chaotic junior high tennis clubs had changed Kachirou; gone was the weak-willed boy who made assumptions too easily. Now, a young man with not-quite-innocent intentions had been named vice-captain of Seigaku's tennis club, believed to be the only one that could handle Echizen's temperament.

"We'll just buy it together," Kachirou proposed.

Ryoma scowled, "It will still look stupid."

Kachirou just smiled, already knowing the other boy would concede. "Well, at least now we can share the stupidity."

Spelled out on the cover of the much-needed and much-despised book was _Catching His Eye: A Guide to Getting That Special Man's Heart_!

* * *

><p><strong>Step 1: So let's start off this adventure in love! First, check to make sure this guy is The One for you. We've supplied a handy little checklist, so check off what counts and tally up the score!<strong>

"Stupid, skip to the next step." Ryoma said irritably.

They had chosen to keep the book at Kachirou's house, much to the vice-captain's misfortune; Ryoma's house had too many risks (Karupin or his dad). Now, sitting together and crouched over the pink abomination of a dating guide, armed with papers and a few pencils for notes, they dared to start their little venture.

"_No_," Kachirou negated efficiently, "We have to do this right. We do every step!"

"I don't think the book will be too keen on you dating a guy that's bullied you since you were a freshman," Ryoma pointed out snarkily.

Kachirou pouted. "Arai-senpai stopped bullying me when I became a junior, though! Besides, if it doesn't like Arai-senpai, then it definitely won't approve of you dating a _sadist_!"

"Fuji-senpai just has a peculiar sense of humor!"

"Yeah, _because he's a sadist_!"

"Just do the damn checklist already!" Ryoma snapped, grabbing a pencil and paper. Kachirou followed hurriedly, and the room fell silent as they started their work.

_Does he make you laugh?_

Ryoma checked that off. Fuji's sense of humor was twisted, sure, but some of the things he did were just hilarious; that they sometimes scared the shit out of Momo or Kikumaru was just a bonus.

_Has he shown he respects you?_

Kachirou scowled as he left that one blank. The only one Arai has shown any respect to is the regulars or any other senpai; the guy was just incapable of respecting someone younger than him. He still sometimes fought with Ryoma!

_Does he give you that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling?_

Ryoma checked that. Whether the feeling developed from love or from fear, he wasn't sure, but it came nonetheless.

_Does he listen to you?_

Kachirou happily checked that one off. For some reason or another, Arai was actually a pretty good listener. Of course, sometimes he would tease or snap about what he heard, but at least he _listened_, right?

_Does he act natural with you?_

Ryoma hesitated over that one. While all of the Regulars had developed a close friendship, Ryoma wasn't sure Fuji displayed his true self that often; his smiling mask was like second skin to him. He skipped to the next one.

_Do you trust him?_

Kachirou checked that one off. For all his faults, Kachirou had the utmost trust in Arai. Of course, this might come from the fact that, with how Kachirou had grown into a rather cunning boy, he could just easily read into Arai's character and predict his every reaction, so his trust was rather limited to how he expected Arai to act.

_Was he your friend before you started to feel differently?_

Ryoma checked that one.

_Do you share common ground?_

They both checked that one. Tennis was everyone's common ground to them, really.

"Done?"

"Yeah."

They both hurriedly tallied up their points.

"Fuji-senpai passed," Ryoma announced, having a rather solid count of one hundred forty.

"Arai-senpai too!" Kachirou said cheerfully.

Ryoma glanced over, tallying the other boy's points. _...One hundred ten points?_Ryoma thought. The line was at a hundred, but Ryoma still thought that was cutting it pretty close. Besides, who knew - maybe Kachirou was a masochist? It sure would explain his inexplicable crush on Arai.

"So what's the next step?" Ryoma asked.

Kachirou flipped through the pages.

**Step 2: It's time to catch you that man who stole your heart! First, put yourself out there - strut your stuff! Show him that you're fresh, you're hot, and you're datable! Out with the old styles, in with the new! Hell, get a whole new look!**

"What the hell does that even _mean_?" Ryoma sniped, incapable of translating what was starting to sound eerily like girl-babble.

Kachirou had a vacant look in his eyes, "It means we have to get a make-over. We have to be..._sexy_." Obviously the vice-captain was more in touch with his feminine side than Ryoma could ever hope to be.

"A makeover? Like what?" Ryoma snapped, alarmed. "We're gay, not _girls_!"

Kachirou glared at him. "Do you want to date Fuji-senpai or not?"

"..."

"_Well?"_

"...yeah. Whatever."

Kachirou stood, a determined look in his eyes. "Ryoma-kun, go home and have your cousin help you go clothes shopping. She's in college, so she'll likely know all the latest fashion. Tell her you want to be appealing; she'll be so touched by you depending on her fashion advice that she shouldn't question it."

Ryoma stared at him. "How do you know all that?"

"I'm gay. I can see into women's souls," Kachirou answered absently.

"Does being gay give you superpowers that I'm not aware of?" Ryoma deadpanned.

"Just go! I..." Kachirou paused, trying to be strong, "I have to go get a _haircut_."

Bowl-cuts, after all, _weren't _sexy.

* * *

><p>A day later, both boys had suffered numerous traumas. Ryoma, for one, was both awed and horrified that Kachirou's predictions had turned out true; Nanako had taken him shopping, throwing him in one outfit after another yet never asking him the reason for his sudden interest in fashion. He came away a little worse for wear, but now he was impeccably dressed - if the practically-salivating stares he'd earned as he walked to Kachirou's house were any indication.<p>

Nothing, however, quite prepared him for what greeted him at the vice-captain's house. As per usual, Kachirou's father was out working at the tennis club, his mother also absent visiting friends. Kachirou had answered the door, but when Ryoma tried to pivot and go back home once his eyes found the other boy, Kachirou had dragged him inside with a determined look.

The last half hour had been spent with Ryoma looking at the other boy, clearly criticizing every detail. Kachirou was moments away from bursting into tears.

"You look like one of those J-Pop idols," Ryoma finally said.

Kachirou cringed, tears swimming unbidden to his eyes, "I _know_."

"And you're blond."

"_I know_!" Kachirou cried, burying his face in his hands in shame.

Ryoma just stared at him uneasily. While the shopping trip with Nanako had been terrible in its own right - why the hell was _green "_his color," anyway? - but at least he had gotten away more or less undamaged. Kachirou looked like he had just sold his soul to the devil.

"...So _blond _is your color?"

"On to the next step!" Kachirou snapped, grabbing the book with more force than strictly necessary.

**Step 3: Flirt, flirt, flirt! Make eye contact, smile often, and engage him in conversation. Start up a conversation about a topic he enjoys, and above all - BE CUTE. Wallflowers don't get the guy; look cute enough and he won't be able to resist you.**

"This is a stupid book," Ryoma re-iterated.

Kachirou frowned. "Do...How do you flirt?"

Both boys stared at each other awkwardly.

* * *

><p>"So why are <em>we <em>here?" Katsuo asked warily, trying and failing to keep his eyes off his best friend. (That shade of blond was truly something to behold.) Kachirou had his own eyes on the arcade across the street, eerily calm despite the creepy intentions of the plan they were putting into action.

"Why couldn't you just have brought Echizen?" Horio demanded. Thankfully, two years of painful retribution should he not regain capable use of his 'indoor voice' had lowered his speaking tone to a decent volume, "Isn't this little seducing-the-senpai thing something only between the two of you? Why are we being involved?"

Kachirou didn't even look away from his vigil on the arcade. "One, because Katsuo-kun is my best friend. Two, because I helped you with your math homework so it's only honorable to pay back the favor, Horio-kun. And three, if you don't help me, I'll ask Inui-senpai to brew a pitcher full of Aozu for each of you."

"...you sure have gotten a lot meaner, Kachirou-kun..." Horio grumbled.

Katsuo's eyes remained on Kachirou's shiny blond hair, "To be honest, I feel very threatened around you, Kachirou. Even my Tomo-chan was singing praises after she saw your new look."

"Shut up, the both of you!" Kachirou hissed. "I can see Arai-senpai! You two know what you have to do, right?"

Both boys rolled their eyes in response. "Yeah, yeah; we lure Ikeda-senpai and Hayashi-senpai away so you can get your sex on with Arai-senpai," Katsuo deadpanned.

Kachirou went a brilliant shade of red. "Ge-Get my _sex on_? I'm just going to _flirt_!"

"It just doesn't have quite the same ring to it, though," Katsuo sighed.

"_Just do your damn job before I render you incapable of breeding_," Kachirou hissed.

The three made their way across the street, trying to look as casual as possible as they entered the arcade. Arai and his group were already hovering over the racing games, trying to decide if it'd be worth the time and money.

"Ah, it's the senpai-tachi," Horio recited monotonously, "What a coincidence."

Before the three older boys turned to look, Kachirou stomped on the unibrowed boy's foot. With a small cry of pain, Horio toppled to the side, but that didn't stop the harmless smile sprouting on Kachirou's face as he regarded his senpai. Katsuo shuddered, striding forward before Kachirou's newly-found Stepford Smiler tendencies were unleashed on _him_.

"Ah, Hayashi-senpai! You like the Hitman series, right? I've just brushed up on my skills!" Katsuo said hurriedly, grabbing said boy's arm and practically dragging him away. "I heard they updated it! Let's check it out, shall we?"

"But-"

"Great! I kick ass with that illusionist chick, Chrome!"

Arai and Ikeda watched their friend as he was forcibly escorted to the other side of the arcade. Horio - after Kachirou kicked him in the shin at his inaction - jumped up and grabbed Ikeda's arm, taking off with a "ILOVETEKKENLET'SPLAYTHATSENPAI!"

Arai stared at Kachirou, as if waiting for him to enter an out-of-character bout of passive-aggressiveness against his senpai. Kachirou - with an inner mantra of 'Be cute! Be cute!' echoing in his ears - cocked his head and smiled. "Did you want to play the racing game, Arai-senpai?"

Arai stared at him uneasily. "...Sure."

"Cool," Kachirou chirped, settling down in the mock-car seat. "I love these kinds of games."

Arai remained silent, still eyeing him oddly.

Kachirou tried not to twitch. "You look good, senpai."

Arai flinched, "Uh-yeah?"

"Y-Yeah!" Kachirou plodded on cheerfully. "You have, uh, a nice grip. On that steering wheel."

"Oh...kay," Arai trained his eyes back on the screen with visible effort. Kachirou stared at his own screen, agonized. _'A nice grip'! I'm an idiot! Such an idiot!_

Arai, meanwhile, was still trying to cope with the fact that Kachirou was now a blond.

* * *

><p>"I was so surprised Ochibi actually said yes!" Kikumaru exclaimed, practically skipping around the smaller boy. "Usually you just turn me down with that bratty attitude! Maybe you missed your senpai? Is that it, Ochibi?" the redhead crooned, latching onto the boy.<p>

"Eiji," Oishi chided.

Fuji giggled. "Echizen is the captain now, Eiji," he pointed out.

"So he's Ochibi-buchou?" Kikumaru mused.

"Senpai, get off already," Ryoma growled.

Kikumaru had invited him for a friendly little get-together, although Kaidoh, Inui, and Tezuka had neglected to come. Kawamura was busy working, and Momo had been...dissuaded...from coming when Ryoma had bluntly told him about his plans to seduce Fuji today. As of now, it was only Kikumaru, Oishi, Fuji, and himself. Ryoma could almost fool himself into thinking this was a double-date.

Ryoma was already in a bad mood. While he didn't dislike Kikumaru or any of his other senpai, and though the redhead had provided him with the perfect opportunity to flirt (or attempt to flirt) with Fuji, Ryoma still had no clear idea what the hell flirting was. Kachirou had been useless in explaining - _"Just be nice and sweet, I guess..." _- and when Ryoma had gotten desperate enough, he had even phoned Momo. His best friend had proved to be just as useless as Kachirou; Momo had spent a good ten minutes spluttering and choking on his own saliva. Ryoma had been forced to hang up on him out of sheer irritation.

_Nice and sweet, huh? _Ryoma mused. He looked Fuji over - very obviously, of course, to the shock of the Golden Pair - but didn't notice anything in particular to comment over. Fuji was dressed in his casual clothes - jeans and a nondescript button-up - and looked normal. (Ryoma had been forced into 'fashionable casual' by Nanako, consisting of stone-washed skinny jeans and a needlessly complicated and ornate shirt.)

Fuji was smiling at him - nothing abnormal there - although he seemed to be expecting something. Ryoma tried to come up with something 'nice and sweet' to say about the older boy but he was drawing up blanks.

"Fuji-senpai," Ryoma started.

"Hm? Yes, Echizen?" Fuji prodded, smiling a bit wider. The Golden Pair had matching expressions of curiosity - the kind of looks one would focus on a car accident in progress.

"...your smile looks less creepy today," Ryoma decided on.

Fuji's smile froze on his face as both Kikumaru and Oishi hurriedly looked away.

"So, how about that movie?" Oishi proposed weakly.

"Yes, the movie," Fuji said slowly, "Perhaps we should watch a romance. _I'm definitely in the mood for a romance_."

Ryoma scowled at the movie titles displayed in the box office. "But aren't those all chick flicks? I'd rather watch that spy mov-"

"A romance sounds good!" Kikumaru interjected loudly, noting the way Fuji's eyes had started to open. "Which one?"

"How about the one about the obtuse protagonist trying to get his love interest to notice him, not realizing that said love interest was already aware of the protagonist's feelings and wholly reciprocated them, and that all the protagonist had to do was say the word and they could get straight to the good stuff," Fuji said icily.

Silence met this.

Ryoma snorted, "What's the point of watching that when it sounds like you know the whole story already, senpai? Let's just watch the spy movie."

Fuji growled lowly as the Golden Pair backed away.

* * *

><p>"I feel like we both failed this step," Kachirou said.<p>

Ryoma scowled, crossing his arms over his chest petulantly as he reclined in Kachirou's swivel chair. "It doesn't say we have to do every step perfectly. So what's next?"

Kachirou grumbled under his breath but dutifully turned to the required page.

**Step 4: Now that you've caught his eyes and interest, it's time to up your game! Get personal -but do it with finesse. In this day and age, the shrinking violet gets nothing - you have to be aggressive! That's right, it's time for the Big D! Ask your man out on a DATE!**

Terror swept over both their faces.

* * *

><p>Arai was surprisingly hard to find. Granted, cutting practice shorter than necessary through underhanded use of Inui Juice might not have guaranteed Kachirou's spot on the World's Best Vice Captains list, but he figured he could abuse his power at least once. (It's not like Ryoma stopped him, so obviously they were abusing power together.) Getting to Seigaku's senior high division had been little hassle, but the campus was larger than he had anticipated so he had been wandering aimlessly for about fifteen minutes now.<p>

"Um...are you lost?" a schoolgirl finally asked, giggling at Kachirou's hopeful look.

"I was actually trying to find someone," he admitted. "Do you know Arai Masashi? He's a first year and, uh, in the tennis club..."

"If he's in the tennis club, then he'll still be on the courts! Club practice is still going," another girl explained, stepping forward. "Here, I'll show you to the courts!"

"No way! _I'll _show him!"

"No, _I will_!"

And that's how Kachirou ended up at the high school tennis courts, escorted by about ten or so high school girls cooing over him like a creepily dedicated harem. The squealing fangirls attracted the attention of the whole boys tennis club, luckily, and his entourage filled in as his own personal cheerleading squad as they shouted for "Arai Masashi-kun, COME HERE!"

Arai was shoved forward like a sacrificial lamb.

"Ah, Arai-senpai!" Kachirou greeted, moving forward to the chain-link fencing separating the grounds from the courts. "Sorry, I just wanted to talk to you, and, uh..." he trailed off, blushing furiously. Light bulbs started going off over the girls' heads as they came to the right conclusion, and their adoration - if possible - tripled.

"It's fine," Arai soothed hurriedly, noticing the rising glee evident on the girls' faces.

"I-I just wanted to know if you were doing anything this weekend, and if you're not, um, uh, w-would youliketogoonadatewithme?"

"...Sure?" Arai answered, not quite able to pick apart the statement but fearing for his life should he answer anything in the negative.

Kachirou was blushing an even deeper red. "Wh-Where would you like to go?"

"Um, how about the gym?" Arai suggested, still muddling through what he assumed was an invitation to train together. He just stared in obvious confusion as the girls deflated, looking at him as if he had just killed every one of their puppies.

Kachirou, much to Arai's relief, brightened. "Okay! Let's meet at 24 Kaikan Gym this weekend!"

Arai nodded, backing away from the fence when all of the girls started cooing about how cute Kachirou was.

"I'll call you on Saturday!" Kachirou said, waving a goodbye before politely asking the girls to show him the exit. The boys club looked on in relief as the group of squealing fangirls agreed and herded the junior high third year away.

Arai turned back to his clubmates, confusion evident. "I'm not sure what just happened..."

"Shhhh!" Ikeda snapped, clamping a hand over Arai's mouth. He eyed the tense second years across the court, keeping a careful watch on Fuji - the junior had been in a bad temper all week. Kikumaru had been saying something about a "failed date" and "dense Ochibi," but all of the club members had been sure not to make any mention about their own love lives (or lack thereof). Fuji had reduced a senior to tears when the boy had complained about his girlfriend earlier in the week.

"Wh-what's your problem? Fuji-senpai won't kill me for talking to our kohai about training!" Arai hissed, slapping his friend's hand away and stomping off.

Ikeda rolled his eyes, grumbling out of earshot, "Because Katou's been mooning after you since junior high, you _idiot_."

* * *

><p>"You <em>have <em>to," Kachirou said, eyes steely. Ryoma avoided looking at him - in fact, he was doing such a damn good job of ignoring his vice captain that he was getting the highest score on his newest video game. Kachirou, however, would not be ignored; he pulled out the plug to Ryoma's game system, ignoring the boy's hissing retaliation. "I already asked out Arai-senpai, so you _have _to ask out Fuji-senpai!"

"I watched a movie with him last week," Ryoma grumbled.

"That doesn't count!" Kachirou snapped. "That was just another one of Kikumaru-senpai's gatherings! You have to go on a date with Fuji-senpai _alone_!"

Ryoma scowled, glaring at his carpet in mounting defeat, "What if Fuji-senpai turns out to be some sick necrophiliac and kills me when we're alone and molests my corpse?"

"Well, isn't that your fault? I told you he was weird," Kachirou pointed out.

Ryoma snorted, "Some friend you are."

"I'll learn necromancy, if it will put your mind at ease."

"Fuck you, Kachirou."

"I don't think Fuji-senpai will appreciate the competition."

Ryoma grumbled something about how he "liked you a lot better when you just parroted everything Horio said." Kachirou rolled his eyes, not even bothering to deign that with a response. Ryoma would only take it as encouragement to sulk.

"How did you ask Arai-senpai?"

"I just asked if he would go on a date with me, and where he'd like to go," Kachirou shrugged.

Ryoma frowned. If he asked Fuji the same thing, the sadist might suggest doing something incredibly lame and stupid like _curling_. Or whatever else his crush found amusing and what normal people found strange.

"Fine, I'll call him tonight-"

"You'll call him right now," Kachirou interrupted with a harsh look. "So I know you're telling the truth."

"Yes, _mother_," Ryoma drawled, pulling out his cellphone and making his way out of the room.

Kachirou grinned at him cheekily, "_Oh baby_, you know I prefer _'daddy'_!"

Ryoma glared at him over his shoulder, stepping into the hallway as he scrolled through his phonebook. Finding Fuji's number, hesitation and - dare he say, _fear _- made him pause, before arrogance forced its way back into his body and had his fingers making the call.

_"Hello?"_

Ryoma twitched.

_"Echizen?"_

"...Fuji-senpai."

A brief pause on the other end, _"...did you need something, Echizen?"_

"Ah-yes. Yes."

Kachirou waggled his eyebrows at him from inside the room, mouthing a '_No tennis_!' at him.

_"So what is it?"_Fuji asked pleasantly.

Ryoma looked around the hallway, trying to find something to say. Could he really just outright ask for a date? Would Fuji appreciate the forwardness? How does one phrase that anyway?

"Let's do something this weekend..."

_"Oh, did you want to watch another movie? I think Eiji actually wanted to go ice skating with everyone-"_

"No!" Ryoma interrupted, "I mean, just us. Just, you know...us."

Ryoma could practically hear Fuji's smirk over the phone, _"Like what?"_

Ryoma's mind stalled. Golden eyes peered into his room, trying to find an idea. Tennis mags - no tennis on the dates, Kachirou had stressed - on his desk, video games scattered all over the floor, slices of cake left on their plates from their snacks earlier-

"I want to bake a cake with you!"

Silence on the other end of the line, coinciding with Kachirou's gobsmacked look. Ryoma actually wanted to hit himself for such a stupid idea, but his pride wouldn't let him take it back.

_"Sure, that sounds fun,"_ Fuji finally answered, cheerful. _"How about this Saturday at my house? I think my kitchen is bigger. You can come over around noon."_

"Ah, yeah. Great. Should I, ah, bring anything?" _Like my wounded pride?_

_"Some icing and decorations for our cake, I guess. I have pans and cake mix."_

"Yeah, okay. See you on Saturday then."

Ryoma hung up before he could embarrass himself even further, turning to Kachirou with wide eyes. His vice captain stood, brushing imaginary dust off himself as he shook his head. "Oh no, Ryoma-kun. You got yourself a baking date, _you _take care of the errands for it yourself. I am _not _helping you cake shop."

"I hope you pull something at the gym," Ryoma cursed under his breath.

Meanwhile, Fuji put down his phone and _laughed_.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: This is only a two-shot, so the next chapter will be the last. Look forward to the dates~

_Be kind and drop a review!_


End file.
